Saturday, March 28, 2009

Not a dad (open letter to my kids)

I have often talked about being a preacher for so many years, and even though its a part of my past, I can't forget it. Just about everyday, I'm reminded about it. We are only human and we make mistakes some we overcome and some we seem to not be able to let go of. The Bible talks about forgiveness, and that we have to forgive others their trespasses. That's what the word says we must do to be called a child of GOD.

Everyone has skeletons in their closets, and if they say they don't, they are in denial. So I must say that even I have a few skeletons in my past. Somethings are better left in the closet, but sometimes they have to come out to clear the air, especially to clear the air and end misunderstanding and turmoil. Sometimes it just makes things worse. The only perfect people in the world have been taken home already, Abraham and Elijah.

I was far from perfect in my past, and I guess that was even when I was preaching also. As I sit back and try to remember, I think I made a lot of mistakes, they say it's supposed to be GOD, family, then work. In my past it turned out to be work, GOD, then family. Talk about having things backwards that is me. Out of 22 tears of Preaching, I think I might have had it right the first 10 years. We gave GOD 110%, a lot of folks thought we were Jehovah witnesses, because of our beliefs. We didn't celebrate many of the holidays because of their pagan origins: Christmas, Easter, Valentines day, Halloween. We did celebrate the fourth of July, Thanksgiving, and a few others, and yes I robbed my kids of some of the best things and times. Am I ashamed of not celebrating those holidays? No. WHY, because they are some of the hidden truths of the Bible. Still I wasn't a dad.

The reason I say that I may have had it right the first 10 years, is because it was GOD, family work. I worked in construction during that time and had time to be a Dad, plenty of time to serve GOD and be a dad and work. Then I got a job which I thought was a blessing, until I myself turned it into a curse. We worked rotating 3 shifts and an opportunity presented itself to work 16 hours a day, and I took advantage of it. I worked six days a week, 12 to 16 hours a day, then it went to seven days a week. It was WORK, WORK, WORK, and not much time for GOD or family. In my trying to make a living for my kids, so they wouldn't need like I did when I was a kid, I lost my kids. Making sure they had everything, didn't make me the Dad they needed. I missed their childhood. I wasn't a dad at all.

Now today I have to ask my 3 (grown) kids to forgive me for not being there for them in the way they needed me to be. I have to say mostly to my son, (my youngest), I am sorry for not being there all the time I should have been. I know that we did do a few things together, but not enough to be a real Dad, and I truly regret it. I know you hold it against me for divorcing your mom, however, there are things that went on that you'll never know of, and I will go to my grave with it I guess.

To my son, the day I left your mom, I gave up on GOD also, but I never gave up on you. I hope you can truly forgive me. In life it takes two to tango, and it wasn't all my fault, but I DO take my share of the blame. So with that I can say no more. I love you son.

I love my kids and miss them all, and even though there were things going on they'll never know, I want them to know it wasn't them. I was not a dad.

Hopefully one day you all can completely forgive me.

jesseb's your dad.

Shalom and Peace to Israel.


  1. There isn't much I can say, except I know this came from the depths of your heart. I do not believe you have given up on God, I know He is still in your heart. I also know how much you love your kids and I believe God will show them in their hearts how much they love you. What I would like to say to you is that you have to forgive yourself also. None of us are perfect, no not one according to the Bible. We all make mistakes and do things we regret. I know you quit the ministry but I believe you will go back to it. We all need to remember too that it isn't God that causes us to make mistakes, but He is able and willing to turn the situations around and bring good from them. He is there to help us out of the mire we get ourselves in and I know you know that already. I pray that your relationships both with God and your children will be restored. I can see that it is on it's way. I know one has forgiven you and you need to believe the rest will come.

  2. Tawanab is right. Also you may not be a prist right now but you must know you are reaching people. Like me I have to ommit that i was never one for reading bible blogs until I found your blog. I don't know what it is but I enjoy reading it.

    Also, you are sooooo right forgive and forget is hard but it is harder not to. You bring yourself so much grieve when you hold a grude, while the other person posibly has moved on and enjoying life.

    As for mistakes , oh yah we have all done that. Except and move on. As we can't change the past. Also I must say, As I was reading this post WOW work work work. You sound like my husband. 7 days a week long hours. So with knowing that life for years now. But because we are going through that similar situation. I have to say, he's not working to be money hungry. We need it to life even pay check to pay check these days. So I am sure when you were working it was to get by. So don't beat yourself up over it. Sometimes we forget what it was like and how we felt when we were in that situation.(work work work)

    Even though it can get lonely being home and my husband working all the time. I don't even think about straying. Maybe there was more to it then you really knew. Or maybe not.

    It may take your children to have children and realize why you were working alot. Or sometimes we just don't realize anything until until the other person dies.

    I didn't until i heard your mom passed.

    Well I won't write a book.

    Take care keep your head up. Things always have away of working themselves out.