Tuesday, February 17, 2009

One step from over the edge,

They've always said, "that which doesn't kill you, only makes one stronger". Well sometimes I wonder about that. How far is to far, and how far is one step from over the edge? Every day it seems to be a different question with different answers. That's something I have to ask myself everyday, only, sad thing is I can not answer that problem. And some morning I just want to end it all, (Life). I've always thought of myself as a strong person not having to rely on anyone. I think that I was a dependable hard worker at times. I gave all I had, I hope, then there was the day that reality set in. One would ask theirself, what did I do? Is there something I should have done different, But I guess not, or I wouldn't be One step from over the edge.

When does it start, where does it, end the grave? Only One knows that and it isn't me. The doctors and specialists know better that me. Is it really depression, or is it burn out, stress? I would at times hope it was the latter. What do you get when you put depression, stress, and burnout in the same sentence? You get one step closer to over the edge. I would hope it would be from burn out since I have been working from the age of 7 or 8. Doing as my Grandpa had said they pay you, you give back. That's something I have always lived by and appreciate from my pops. What is stress, what is depression, what is burnout? To me its One step from over the edge.
  • They say stress is "a state of mental and emotional strain or suspense", hmmm.
  • They say burnout is "to melt break,or become otherwise unusable".
  • And they say depression is "a state of depression and anhedonia so severe as to require clinical intervention".
Well according to this it means there's hope but really no hope. As I see it, I have been treated with several anti-depressants ain't nothing worked as of yet. I go to see PSYCHOLOGIST, later this month only to be givEN more anti-depressants, (yipeeeeeee), really looking forward to that. Then they probably send me to a Psychoanalyst, who'll want to get inside my head. Damn, I already have enough in my head without all of that. It's sad when you go from a people person, to a person who cant be around people without being drove to the edge with fear, anxiety, giddiness, scared feelings and just having to leave. And again what does one call this?
One step from over edge.

Now when one is forced to do things they don't feel like doing things get worse. Having to go five and a half hours one away for what you see as a useless matter, especially, when you're told your mother is on the verge of death. Then they have all these questions, about this and that and you have to tell them that you can't say one way or the other, because you're not even able to manage your own affairs. When being around kinfolk that you no longer consider family.
What's sad is when you go outta respect instead of love. It's like they're there but they're not and having to live from behind a mask like you are. People who don't believe in the disease dont understand that it is a crippling disease that millions have to deal with daily. Some will say that there's a cure, well if there's a damn cure why do millions of people a day still go through the symptoms. I am not saying there is not help but I do think that there's a place where it has gone past the point of help. If there was a full cure, there wouldn't be mental hospitals all around the world where folks have gone over the edge.
One step from over the egde. I want everyone to know you'll read online person after person, who have testimonials about how they got help and they're living a normal life. Well I am tickled to death for them, and yes some do get help but not without a price and time.

What really makes being one step from over the edge is when you have grandkids and four of them live close by and you can't hardly stand being around them for the noise, crying, screaming, running around the house, etc. I love all my grandkids so much. I also love my job I have but can't do anymore. Today I got a response from my Supervisor and he said he really missed me and another guy who is volunteering in Iraq, because he could depend on us to get the job done and not have to worry. I wanted to write back and say I was sorry I couldn't be there, but can't because that's part of the problem, I suffer from burnout, or what ever you want to call it, One step from over the edge.

Friend if you are, or have been having such problem, I know your pain, get help now because the longer you wait, the longer it will take to get control of the disease and yes they are diseases, dont let anyone lie to you about it, I know. I waited for over 30 something years and it caught me and hit hard, some of the meds worked for a very short time and some wouldn't work at all, some meds have badddd side effects and can hurt you worse, some make you sick, and some make you mean and angry all the time. Friends if any of you feel that you have become worthless, useless, not caring about anything, start getting help now, because if you don't get help, You'll be one step from over the edge.

I can't say been there done that this time, because I've been there, and still there.
So if anyone besides me and my wife suffer this crippling disease, we'll be here for you if we can, so until next time

this is jesseb's anything goes

Shalom and Peace to Israel

1 comment:

  1. A moving and articulate blog - did other people see it - THEY need help for not bothering to say 'Keep going friend' I was rather afraid to have offended you, because your answer to my post on the 'do you believe...' discussion had been removed. What did you say - i don't mind.

    My big daughter has been treated for manic depression for some time, on the other hand how i escaped this is a mystery to me - perhaps being a semi-recluse, but with considerable peace, on a sub-tropic Greek island is part of the answer. Take care and get in touch if you want. Bob