You know they say you can't go back and change things thats happened even 5 seconds ago. But if I could I would suredly try to change a lot of things. They also say you have to live with the cards you are dealt. well if I had it my way, I'd ask for a new hand. Myself as well as countless on thousand upon thousand of people just here in the USA, just like myself, we weren't born on the other side of the tracks as to say, no silver spoon, no ira's, or college funds set aside. no we are the ones who have to fight for everything we got. Christianity in my house was nothing unless it was taking the church for everything they had and then when the well went dry, that's all you heard about church. I guess if it hadn't been for my late, late, grandmother, God rest her soul, I would have never graced the inside of a church building. And I praise the Lord for her.
They say that it's not good to look back on the past, but look to the future, but how can you look to the future when so much of your future is in the past. Growing up in the house I lived in was pure hectic to say at least. Like thousands of other young kids who had broken homes, life wasn't easy, especially when your mother remarrys a man she met in a beer dive. not to say that my real dad, which I never saw with my own eyes (and if I did was to young to remember), I've been told he was in no way a saint himself. Oh well maybe I will get to see him on the other side in new jerusalem, this is my hope and prayer. But as I look back I guess all the beating we endured made us better folk, I guess, I really can't tell.
But just to survive was not in itself easy, taking on different personalities, just to help us make through. we firmly believe that if God hadn't been there with us, we wouldn't be here today. The rule was, kids only spoke when spoken to, dare speak, get beat, then speak, get beat. what a win win situation huh ? Having your every move dictatated was grrrr. having no life was worse, But when Ive gone the last mile I know all will be well. to have to grow up the way we did as a child, and knowing that thousands upon thousands of others had it the same way makes one just break down and cry. It has taken many years for me to shed a tear for anything, or anyone and at times it's still tough to cry. When I lost my mother earlier this year, instead of crying, I felt thank goodness, this is over. Did I love my mom? yes. did I love my mom after all the abuse she and my stepdad put me through, yes but it was and still is tough.
Now that I look back at all the wasted years, what should have been and not should of been in my life, would I still change things? YES, I would. And the first thing would be, that the first time that I met Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour, I would have held onto Him for dear life. You see I wasted so many years of being a form of godliness, denyng the power thereof. I knew of Him, but really never knew Him. But now that I know Him and what He was and is capable of doing, I can no longer look back. For today the future is ahead of me. For all the mental, physical, and verbal abuse I grew up with, I have no one else to thank, but God the Father, who brought me through it all. As that old old song goes, I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now. By the help and grace of God I pray that my feet never again slip backwards but walketh forward from this day. That when I have gone the last mile of the way, Jesus will look at me and say these words, "enter in thy good and faithful servant".
Friends, you can make it the last mile of the way also, just trust in Him, Jesus.
til next time jessebs
Peace and Shalom to Israel
p.s. Please when you pray, pray for the peace of Jerusalem
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Just ease on down the road.
I've never been one who has had much patience. It was somewhat better when we were preaching, I think, I really can't remember anymore. But what has happened to the younger adults in this world? I really can't speak about middle east countries or even 3rd world countries, but as far as I can see most young adults in America have gone to hell in a hand basket. When we were growing up we would hear of things as divorce, sex, rape, spousal abuse, battered husband, and wife abuse. I guess back then, marriage seemed to be binding, and most believed in, together til death do you part. Yes, I know that God makes the rules, and we must follow, but I believe that God drew the line on abuse in marriage, when He gave the world His only begotten son Jesus.
But that doesn't make divorce right in all cases, I won't be using scripture in this blog, because I feel at times, that people need to search the scripture, to know the scripture. Preachers and Pastors alike have spoiled the people of their congregation by giving them the scriptures so that they never ever have to pick up the word of God or Bible anymore except for show. Next time you watch a television preacher on television preaching, and their scanning the building look out at the congregation and see how many h
ave a Bible or how new everyone's Bible looks from never picking it up to read or study. So we're not doing the Burger King thing today. You can't have it your way today. I can tell you from experience today that I know a few people who have been through things they stayed in way to long, got out and went right back into the same thing with someone else. Let me tell ya something, about us, we went to a church for 20 years, and at times I thought the church was partly a cult in some ways. But I didn't go there for man, I went there to have a relationship with God, and it was great. Thank God I was a rebel when it came to the cult part. Then we just eased it on down the road .
veryday, or it seems everyday, there is something different going on in our children's lives. Now a days, our young adults, luckily, most don't have to quit school to work to help the family out, we have spoiled our kids so bad they don't know what No means. And then we can't understand why they rebel against us as parents. What we have done as parents is, we have made them inconsiderate, disrespectful, and at anytime, ready just to spit in our faces. Well some would say my kids are not that way, well congratulations to you, you did well. What folks don't REALIZE is that every time they give, give and give, handout and handout some more, you're teaching your kids, that they don't have to earn anything in life, and it winds up coming back to bite you in the ass. Most kids who are handed things all their life and I said most, (which means not every), becomes abusive, manipulative, a drug user, or wind up going to jail, prison or worse, dead. I know a lot won't agree on this, but that's your prerogative, it's your choice, but it's the cold hard facts. Sometimes in life you've got to draw the line and say, I've had enough, no matter what, enough is enough, either respect our house, OR just ease your butt on down on the road, it's just that simple.
I guess I was raised in the school of hard knocks, there weren't to many times my butt met a belt it liked, but it got it anyway. In the house of hard knocks, if you just looked like you were gonna say something, anything, you didn't get a spanking or pat on the hand, you got whipped, busted,
beat. You didn't dare back talk or smart mouth. But there is a line between discipline and beating.When I was raising my kids I had made myself a promise that I would never spank my kids. Well, all in all, they are decent kids, they're not in trouble with the law, or do drugs even though I have to say two of them experimented with it some, but thank GOD it was an experiment. Then, getting back on track here, women aren't the only ones who are battered, men get it the same way. I used to work with a guy whose wife seemed to beat him up every other day, he always looked horrible. I would have told her to ease her ass on down the road after the second time cause there's not going to be a third time, and leave, it ain't gonna get no better.
It's hard saying and doing things to our kids and I know it hurts like hell, because we love our kids so much. A belt really doesn't hurt that much, a No, they will get over, it's the initial action that makes it hard. There's an old saying, which people think is scriptural, it's spare the rod spoil the child, sounds Biblical, but it's not. Ok, now that I said that, I do have to use two verses from the Bible. Proverbs 22:6 - [6]Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. What it is saying is bring your kids up in the way you think best for them, not like you yourself, and yeah, they may turn from it for a while when they're young, but God said He will return to His up bringing. Proverbs 23:13 - Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. In neither of these scriptures does it say the ROD spoils the child, beating and lack of teaching and parental control is what spoils the child. We get from our kids what we put into our kids. You want respect teach them respect. You want to be the parent, be the parent, And NO is NO. DISCIPLINE does NOT mean to abuse.
Friends, being a friend, lover, wife or husband, is tough but being a Mom and Dad is tougher. We love our children so much. A good Dad and husband is the one who is ready to fight and die for his family, but is not afraid to discipline his kids. A good husband is one who loves his wife unconditionally, he will never raise his hand in abuse. I'm not gonna say he won't get mad and agitated at times, but he has enough control to control himself. A good mom is a mother hen figure, she raises the children more than the Dad because Dad is supposed to be providing for his family. She has to have more control over the disciplining of the kids, until Dad has to step in. A good Mom is also ready to die or kill for her kids. And, a good child is to be thankful, respectful, and obedient to the rules set down by their parent(s), and to be rewarded in some way they will understand why they are being rewarded, and even spanked, if necessary, with love and not malice.
If you are in an abusive relationship and want out, you can get out, there are ways, other than death. I have no idea how many women, men, young adults, and kids are abused every year, but it is many. Parents love your kids because there will be a day when you say, ease on down the road. Kids love your parents they won't be around forever, or most won't. Wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands if you are in a abusive, out of control relationship, YOU and only You have the power to get out of it, before you can't get out alive. Young adults, Mom, Dad, boyfriend, girlfriend, young and old, all of you that are in an abusive relationship, you deserve better and can do better. But first you have to want to do better and get better, and then open your mouths and say, Ease on down, ease yourself on down the road I don't need you any more. In other words, get out!!J US T - K EE P - ON - T R UCK I N G - Y OU R -B U TT - ON - O U TT A - H E R E .
Keep on trucking, and ease on down the road may make it sound as if I'm joking or making light of these situations but rest assured I am not. This is very serious and needs to be taken that way. Tell the abuser to keep on trucking and/or ease on down the road. Or you yourself, whatever it takes get out now, you deserve better.
THANKS again for your time
Keep on trucking, and ease on down the road may make it sound as if I'm joking or making light of these situations but rest assured I am not. This is very serious and needs to be taken that way. Tell the abuser to keep on trucking and/or ease on down the road. Or you yourself, whatever it takes get out now, you deserve better.
THANKS again for your time
jesseb's anything goes
Shalom and Peace to Israel
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Son, can mommy come out and play.
Hopefully by now everyone has heard how there is a plan that was brought up by the united nation to where parents would only have the right to dress and feed their kid, and the government will raise them from there. Well Mr(s). Clinton, Obama's right hand she-man has been for this every since he was in office 8 years ago and the way its going it will be a done deal. Watch for it.
Well here's the deal about Son can mommy come out to play and this blog won't be deleted because it will hurt someone's feeling. ( Sorry) I have 3 daughters 4 all together one is 22 and 27 and 30, the other is 34. And really if you ask me neither 3 have had business having kids. that just my opinion and you know what they say about that,opinion are like butt holes everybody has one. In one of their case's she needs to learn to be patient with her 4 year and 9 year old, you can tell that the 9 year old son has been screamed and hollered at quite a bit because you can't even talk to him without him stuttering and tearing up at times. It will break your heart at times, and I can't just jokingly say anything in a certain tone without him thinking I'm mad or upset with him. It's a really sad ordeal, then he has a sister 4, one of the sweetest little girls you could ever meet, only thing wrong with her is she is to smart for her britches. We pretty much raised her, My wife and I the first 3 years of her life till her mommy decided she wanted to be a mother and could handle her. We all know that babies have a tendency to wake up or cry a lot when their just born until 7, 8 or 9 months old, so many a night again sometimes just me or me and my wife would walk with her, not drive, and as we would walk she would be as calm as though she was never upset. We live by a post office and the flag there flies 24/7 everyday of the year. By the time she was 4 months old she could recognize and point out the flag, trees, leaves, grass, flowers, the moon and stars. She was walking, I believe before she was 6 months old or earlier and talking by one. Gosh I love that kid, but I love all my grand kids the same measure even though we have to discipline each differently. Having 2 grandsons with the same disorder can be tough at times esp. when you keep them at the same time and their mommies don't bring their (ADHD) medication it gets pretty nerve racking at times, plus us getting older doesn't help either. You know what's sad about the whole thing is that when you have to buy your child something for them to even want to go home with you. It's really sad, and another thing that is sad, when mothers who have kids from different dad's, and the one she marries is the only dad he really has ever known and he isn't worth a shit. (sorry if my words offend) but when you have (narcissistic) parents, sad, oh man it's so damn sad. That was 1 of my daughters I'm not even blood kin to, but I love her and her sister as my own. And we treat them no differently than my own. They want your advise all the time but never listen. It's like you can take my advise or do as you damn well please, your way. Well its always their way and comes back to bite-em. It is a shame when children of today, but it's been this way every since I was a kid, and millions others just like me, when kids have to grow up before they ever had a childhood, (and has a tendency to scar them later in life) and that is the parents fault, for not being parents. Then there's the 30 year old, (my other blood daughter), I'm just going backwards down the line. who has 4 kids, and it is the true statement can mommy come out to play, sadly enough I can't say much about her because just last month was the first time in over 10 years I had seen any of them, except to say she began having kids at to early of a young age.
Son came mommy come out to play. This one is my blood daughter, (the 27 year old), God bless her soul. I love her so much, she was always a daddy's girl, I can remember when she was young, how timid she was, how you would say boo and she would cry lol. But she at some time grew out of it, (having a gun held to your head by an abusive husband can make you grow up pretty fast). I guess having a kid at a young age with a worthless abusive husband, (seems to be a trend with all my girls) contributed to that.
I know you all are thinking that's because I'm dad and there ain't no guys worthy, but that's not the case at all. Seems the problem is every one of them the 22 the 27 and the 34 has a propensity to attract mommy's boys and guys that are mentally or physically abusive. Well she had a child and he has been nothing but hell on her, but, we still love him the same, and I know you all will think I'm one sorry S.O.B, but he is turning out just like his dad. She has tried to get him so much help, she is a GOOD mom, she does everything under the sun for him, but nothing seems to help. And, I can't help but say this, she has attracted another freaken' mommy's boy who is mentally abusive, and of course, yeah, you got it, he ain't worth a shit either. She has a kid, he has a kid, they have a kid together, it's a damn mess. She doesn't like his kid, he doesn't like her kid, but they both love the kid they have together. Wow, can mommy come out to play, and mommy, son, can daddy come out to play? This is the other 9 year old with (ADHD) or to say it better both 9 year olds get out of control. When both 9 yr olds are together, hide the chocolate, candy, Dr pepper any thing that has sugar. The 27 yr old daughter is like the 34 yr old, you can take my advise or do as you damn well please, well as with the other it's they do as they damn well please, she trys to be a mom to her son, but he is so disrespectful. My wife and I have at times talked to him and when he stays with us, it is yes ma'am and yes sir. Lord bless her for trying. I have told both daughters to get rid of the dead wood or weight which ever fits the bill, then try again. Now for the 22 yr old who got a child after a rumble in the sack, I have to admire her for one thing, she did finish school before the baby was born. But she married the baby's father, which I thought was a good guy, and I can tolerate him, but, he cheated, they divorced, they have a kid together, they got joint custody, his mom is raising the kid more than both of them. He's gotten several girls pregnant, was supposed to marry a couple of times, didn't happen. They've tried to get back together, that didn't work out, she never or seldom has her daughter. His mom is, I guess, instead of the child' s grandma, her mommy. Now the the daughter was pregnant, and I may sound like a cold hearted Son of a B+-=-, but it didn't take and probably was for the best, you don't have a kid to try and settle down a man who is 30 yrs older than you. Geezz, daughters, wake up plzzzzzzzzzz. Another instance of a kid wanting another kid to raise. Damn, we really didn't raise them this way. Were we bad parents? Hmmm that's a hard question to answer, but I think not. Every one of them was raised in church and taught right from wrong.
When you can't discipline your kids without the Government stepping in, I guess that's the way things go. It will go from bad to worse. If you think it is bad now, just wait. Son, can your mommy come out to play, is the way it seems to me. Parents can't discipline their kids now without DHS stepping in and that's part of the reason the kids run the home.
I really don't know if anyone besides my wife, will read this blog, and if nobody does that's fine. But it's about kids having kids ,and then the kids rule the house. If anyone takes offense to this. sorry. I really do love ALL my girls and I want it to be known, what I say to one I'm not ashamed to say to all. I want that clarified and I want it clarified that I love you ALL with ALL MY HEART and the pain that you feel, I feel because I love you. You are NOT bad girls, you've made some bad choices, we all have in life. Now it's time to make those decisions right.
What it means when I say son can mommy come out to play is that kids are having kids and then the kids rule the home.
Thanks, jesseb's anything goes
Shalom and peace to Israel
Well here's the deal about Son can mommy come out to play and this blog won't be deleted because it will hurt someone's feeling. ( Sorry) I have 3 daughters 4 all together one is 22 and 27 and 30, the other is 34. And really if you ask me neither 3 have had business having kids. that just my opinion and you know what they say about that,opinion are like butt holes everybody has one. In one of their case's she needs to learn to be patient with her 4 year and 9 year old, you can tell that the 9 year old son has been screamed and hollered at quite a bit because you can't even talk to him without him stuttering and tearing up at times. It will break your heart at times, and I can't just jokingly say anything in a certain tone without him thinking I'm mad or upset with him. It's a really sad ordeal, then he has a sister 4, one of the sweetest little girls you could ever meet, only thing wrong with her is she is to smart for her britches. We pretty much raised her, My wife and I the first 3 years of her life till her mommy decided she wanted to be a mother and could handle her. We all know that babies have a tendency to wake up or cry a lot when their just born until 7, 8 or 9 months old, so many a night again sometimes just me or me and my wife would walk with her, not drive, and as we would walk she would be as calm as though she was never upset. We live by a post office and the flag there flies 24/7 everyday of the year. By the time she was 4 months old she could recognize and point out the flag, trees, leaves, grass, flowers, the moon and stars. She was walking, I believe before she was 6 months old or earlier and talking by one. Gosh I love that kid, but I love all my grand kids the same measure even though we have to discipline each differently. Having 2 grandsons with the same disorder can be tough at times esp. when you keep them at the same time and their mommies don't bring their (ADHD) medication it gets pretty nerve racking at times, plus us getting older doesn't help either. You know what's sad about the whole thing is that when you have to buy your child something for them to even want to go home with you. It's really sad, and another thing that is sad, when mothers who have kids from different dad's, and the one she marries is the only dad he really has ever known and he isn't worth a shit. (sorry if my words offend) but when you have (narcissistic) parents, sad, oh man it's so damn sad. That was 1 of my daughters I'm not even blood kin to, but I love her and her sister as my own. And we treat them no differently than my own. They want your advise all the time but never listen. It's like you can take my advise or do as you damn well please, your way. Well its always their way and comes back to bite-em. It is a shame when children of today, but it's been this way every since I was a kid, and millions others just like me, when kids have to grow up before they ever had a childhood, (and has a tendency to scar them later in life) and that is the parents fault, for not being parents. Then there's the 30 year old, (my other blood daughter), I'm just going backwards down the line. who has 4 kids, and it is the true statement can mommy come out to play, sadly enough I can't say much about her because just last month was the first time in over 10 years I had seen any of them, except to say she began having kids at to early of a young age.
Son came mommy come out to play. This one is my blood daughter, (the 27 year old), God bless her soul. I love her so much, she was always a daddy's girl, I can remember when she was young, how timid she was, how you would say boo and she would cry lol. But she at some time grew out of it, (having a gun held to your head by an abusive husband can make you grow up pretty fast). I guess having a kid at a young age with a worthless abusive husband, (seems to be a trend with all my girls) contributed to that.
I know you all are thinking that's because I'm dad and there ain't no guys worthy, but that's not the case at all. Seems the problem is every one of them the 22 the 27 and the 34 has a propensity to attract mommy's boys and guys that are mentally or physically abusive. Well she had a child and he has been nothing but hell on her, but, we still love him the same, and I know you all will think I'm one sorry S.O.B, but he is turning out just like his dad. She has tried to get him so much help, she is a GOOD mom, she does everything under the sun for him, but nothing seems to help. And, I can't help but say this, she has attracted another freaken' mommy's boy who is mentally abusive, and of course, yeah, you got it, he ain't worth a shit either. She has a kid, he has a kid, they have a kid together, it's a damn mess. She doesn't like his kid, he doesn't like her kid, but they both love the kid they have together. Wow, can mommy come out to play, and mommy, son, can daddy come out to play? This is the other 9 year old with (ADHD) or to say it better both 9 year olds get out of control. When both 9 yr olds are together, hide the chocolate, candy, Dr pepper any thing that has sugar. The 27 yr old daughter is like the 34 yr old, you can take my advise or do as you damn well please, well as with the other it's they do as they damn well please, she trys to be a mom to her son, but he is so disrespectful. My wife and I have at times talked to him and when he stays with us, it is yes ma'am and yes sir. Lord bless her for trying. I have told both daughters to get rid of the dead wood or weight which ever fits the bill, then try again. Now for the 22 yr old who got a child after a rumble in the sack, I have to admire her for one thing, she did finish school before the baby was born. But she married the baby's father, which I thought was a good guy, and I can tolerate him, but, he cheated, they divorced, they have a kid together, they got joint custody, his mom is raising the kid more than both of them. He's gotten several girls pregnant, was supposed to marry a couple of times, didn't happen. They've tried to get back together, that didn't work out, she never or seldom has her daughter. His mom is, I guess, instead of the child' s grandma, her mommy. Now the the daughter was pregnant, and I may sound like a cold hearted Son of a B+-=-, but it didn't take and probably was for the best, you don't have a kid to try and settle down a man who is 30 yrs older than you. Geezz, daughters, wake up plzzzzzzzzzz. Another instance of a kid wanting another kid to raise. Damn, we really didn't raise them this way. Were we bad parents? Hmmm that's a hard question to answer, but I think not. Every one of them was raised in church and taught right from wrong.
When you can't discipline your kids without the Government stepping in, I guess that's the way things go. It will go from bad to worse. If you think it is bad now, just wait. Son, can your mommy come out to play, is the way it seems to me. Parents can't discipline their kids now without DHS stepping in and that's part of the reason the kids run the home.
I really don't know if anyone besides my wife, will read this blog, and if nobody does that's fine. But it's about kids having kids ,and then the kids rule the house. If anyone takes offense to this. sorry. I really do love ALL my girls and I want it to be known, what I say to one I'm not ashamed to say to all. I want that clarified and I want it clarified that I love you ALL with ALL MY HEART and the pain that you feel, I feel because I love you. You are NOT bad girls, you've made some bad choices, we all have in life. Now it's time to make those decisions right.
What it means when I say son can mommy come out to play is that kids are having kids and then the kids rule the home.
Thanks, jesseb's anything goes
Shalom and peace to Israel
Friday, January 30, 2009
Some days a Diamond, Some days a Stone
Today as I start this blog, "good morning".
Some days a diamond, some days a stone, deals with waking up one morning in complete ecstasy, then the next like, wow, what the heck is happening to me. It has to do with being Bipolar and going through a deep stage of depression. There are different levels of being bipolar. Being bipolar is a mental illness that affects men as well as women alike. People who experience this, experience episodes of depression (low) and mania (highs). That is why this blog is named, some days a diamond, some days a stone. I, with about a million other people suffer from this crippling disorder.
Hot on the heels of denial comes anger. You will be furious with life, yourself, the past, missed chances, screw-ups, your friends, your significant others and your physician. No one will escape totally unscathed from the sphere of the bipolar person who has yet to come to terms
with his/her circumstances. BE ANGRY! You have a reason and a right to be. Anger in itself isn't a bad thing so long as you use it to empower yourself rather than to dis-empower or to harm others or yourself. The crucial point is that you understand and acknowledge your anger. Own it, accept it, and make it yours to the extent necessary to get through it. Is this permission to wallow in it indefinitely? No way! But you cannot move onward unless you've dealt with this critical aspect of learning to survive with a brain chemistry that will betray you at the first opportunity. Be angry; it's okay, and you need no one elses permission to be so.
#3 Guilt
Probably the most difficult and depressing aspect of this disorder is encountered after having passed through the tussle with denial and guilt -- it's the point when mere resignation settles on your shoulders like Poe's black raven quoting its dirge of "Nevermore." Nevermore the euphoric highs of hypomania. Nevermore the super bursts of creative energy. Nevermore the ability to do the work of ten others, stay up at the local bistro all night, and still write or paint until time for work the next morn. Nevermore the quick punning and life-of-the-party charisma.
Nevermore.... yes, for this we must (and do) mourn, for the drugs that stabilize us will exact a price in return and this is part of it. So do mourn for the parts of your personality that may become muted or disappear entirely; it's okay to lay black roses at the feet of the drugs you must take. But then you must move on by accepting that: 1) you will experience a sense of resignation regarding your situation 2) you will mourn and suffer severe depression at feeling forced into that 
resignation, 3)you will occasionally (or often even) entertain the notion of dumping your drugs down the toilet (and you may, but please think it through first), and finally, 4)you will expect life to get immediately better and you will be disappointed at the fact that it doesn't. I can only urge you with all my heart to ride this tough time out. This coming to grips with a new you takes a very long time. Some things will improve very quickly, but others won't, and new things will pop up to grieve you. We bipolars are not usually patient sorts, but for your life and well-being, please try to be patient with this process of adaptation.
#5 reconciliation
To sit back and try to determine exactly when all this began, will drive you crazy unless you know when it started. I sit back and think did this start back when I was forced to live with a very abusive stepfather: The everyday beatings because you didn't speak up fast enough, the physical and mental abuse? Did it start when my ex told me 2 months into our marriage she still loved her ex b/f and I stayed in a dead end marriage to long until kids came along and then stayed for my kids sake. Probably not. However, the chemical imbalance in the brain and all the things I (and millions of others) go through in our lives for many years doesn't help. No it's not woe is me. I would like for everyone to know, being bipolar isn't easy to live with but it's not the end of the world either.
Some days you will wake up a diamond, on those days, live, do everything you feel you can do while your up. Because there will be days you wake up a stone, not even wanting to get out of bed or raise your head from your pillow.
LET US REMEMBER, we, you and I aren't the only ones who suffer this disorder.
And yes there will be, some days a diamond, and some days a stone.
Some days a diamond, some days a stone, deals with waking up one morning in complete ecstasy, then the next like, wow, what the heck is happening to me. It has to do with being Bipolar and going through a deep stage of depression. There are different levels of being bipolar. Being bipolar is a mental illness that affects men as well as women alike. People who experience this, experience episodes of depression (low) and mania (highs). That is why this blog is named, some days a diamond, some days a stone. I, with about a million other people suffer from this crippling disorder.
Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that causes episodes of depression (sadness and hopelessness) and episodes of mania (severely elevated mood). This disorder affects how a person feels and acts. No one knows exactly what causes bipolar disorder. Doctors and researchers believe that it may be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain.
People with bipolar disorder will have times when their mood is “normal” and balanced or close to that. But they will also have times when their mood changes are extreme for a period of time. These are called bipolar disorder “mood episodes".
I myself was diagnosed with being bipolar. I guess most people would think it would be something easily fixed. And, I guess for some it is, from all the comments I have read on pages about those effected by being bipolar, how a few medications did the job. Well one must realize that there are 5 different stages of the disorder. You must realize and understand before you can even begin the healing process.
#1 Denial
- Many of us when first diagnosed are downright relieved to finally have a name for what ails us. But our relief soon turns to denial once the full implications of the illness become evident. What this means is that as we come to understand how much of our core
personality is driven by this illness, and once we settle into the routine of drug-taking and doctor's visits, the realization that life will never be the same as it was before begins to haunt and torment us into denying some, or all, of reality. This is a dangerous but necessary time for us all to pass through. Accept it for what it is, an essential stage of coming to terms with being bipolar. Just be aware that this and the next stage are the times when you will be most inclined to do something you may regret later on. Don't drink heavily, don't quit taking your medications, don't quit seeing your psychiatrist and/or therapist, and if possible keep some sort of safety net in place in terms of support. If you crash hard, let there be someone there who cares and can help you hold on till stability returns.
Hot on the heels of denial comes anger. You will be furious with life, yourself, the past, missed chances, screw-ups, your friends, your significant others and your physician. No one will escape totally unscathed from the sphere of the bipolar person who has yet to come to terms
with his/her circumstances. BE ANGRY! You have a reason and a right to be. Anger in itself isn't a bad thing so long as you use it to empower yourself rather than to dis-empower or to harm others or yourself. The crucial point is that you understand and acknowledge your anger. Own it, accept it, and make it yours to the extent necessary to get through it. Is this permission to wallow in it indefinitely? No way! But you cannot move onward unless you've dealt with this critical aspect of learning to survive with a brain chemistry that will betray you at the first opportunity. Be angry; it's okay, and you need no one elses permission to be so.#3 Guilt
- Of all the many things you will feel as you try to adjust to being officially bipolar, gui
lt is perhaps the most burdensome and difficult to get a grip on. There's guilt over your past obnoxious behaviors and overt sexual indiscretions, the way you've treated family and friends, the lack of attention or care you've given your children, the inability to maintain jobs or relationships and the nagging self-doubt about your own sense of worth. But despite all the foregoing, remember this, in fact, make it your personal motto: GUILT IS A WASTED EMOTION. It comes from an exaggerated sense of responsibility aimed at the wrong kinds of things and for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes it comes from all those dos and don'ts you've had drilled into you by mom, dad, school and the church. Forget them, unless they were principles you personally chose after very careful thought, they don't matter now and they never did. What matters now is the future you choose to follow. From this point on, the choice and the responsibility are all yours. That's a little intimidating, but it's also a very freeing kind of thought as well. Try it on for size; you might come to appreciate it. If nothing else, it unties that old guilt-knot in one's stomach.
Probably the most difficult and depressing aspect of this disorder is encountered after having passed through the tussle with denial and guilt -- it's the point when mere resignation settles on your shoulders like Poe's black raven quoting its dirge of "Nevermore." Nevermore the euphoric highs of hypomania. Nevermore the super bursts of creative energy. Nevermore the ability to do the work of ten others, stay up at the local bistro all night, and still write or paint until time for work the next morn. Nevermore the quick punning and life-of-the-party charisma.
Nevermore.... yes, for this we must (and do) mourn, for the drugs that stabilize us will exact a price in return and this is part of it. So do mourn for the parts of your personality that may become muted or disappear entirely; it's okay to lay black roses at the feet of the drugs you must take. But then you must move on by accepting that: 1) you will experience a sense of resignation regarding your situation 2) you will mourn and suffer severe depression at feeling forced into that 
resignation, 3)you will occasionally (or often even) entertain the notion of dumping your drugs down the toilet (and you may, but please think it through first), and finally, 4)you will expect life to get immediately better and you will be disappointed at the fact that it doesn't. I can only urge you with all my heart to ride this tough time out. This coming to grips with a new you takes a very long time. Some things will improve very quickly, but others won't, and new things will pop up to grieve you. We bipolars are not usually patient sorts, but for your life and well-being, please try to be patient with this process of adaptation.#5 reconciliation
- Okay, you've been very brave and you've made it through the 4 previous stages; now you can breathe a bit easier for the worst is definitely over. Hopefully, as you've reconciled your past with the rather scary present, you've learned a bit about yourself and discovered a well of strength within that will carry you through the ups and downs that most certainly will come your way in the future. During this last phase you will continue the process of adjusting your medications, settling in with a good doctor, and developing a strong support network. If you aren't doing these things then please follow the links just mentioned and see why you should. In fact follow them even if you are because chances are you'll still learn something useful.
This is also the period during which you'll spend a great deal of time thinking about where you end and the drugs begin. Mixed in with these considerations will be an ongoing quest to find the real you underneath and/or cohabiting with the bipolar you. Sound peculiar? It should, but ask any bipolar of some standing and you will find that all have spent a good bit of time trying to figure out which of their cherished personality traits is due to their being bipolar and which is due to some unique, core "self". I've always considered myself a bit of a loner and just plain damned different from others. Now I wonder whether it wasn't my bipolar self protecting me from a world that was always just a bit too much. All of this questioning is an essential part of a process called acceptance. When you have accepted that there is no magic cure for what you have, and that you will have it forever, you can move on to making your life as fulfilling and stable as it can be. Not until you reach a point where you are both reconciled to your illness, and accepting of the treatment it mandates, can you really begin to grow and live a full life. The road is fraught with peril, but the destination is certainly worth the risk.
To sit back and try to determine exactly when all this began, will drive you crazy unless you know when it started. I sit back and think did this start back when I was forced to live with a very abusive stepfather: The everyday beatings because you didn't speak up fast enough, the physical and mental abuse? Did it start when my ex told me 2 months into our marriage she still loved her ex b/f and I stayed in a dead end marriage to long until kids came along and then stayed for my kids sake. Probably not. However, the chemical imbalance in the brain and all the things I (and millions of others) go through in our lives for many years doesn't help. No it's not woe is me. I would like for everyone to know, being bipolar isn't easy to live with but it's not the end of the world either.
Some days you will wake up a diamond, on those days, live, do everything you feel you can do while your up. Because there will be days you wake up a stone, not even wanting to get out of bed or raise your head from your pillow.
LET US REMEMBER, we, you and I aren't the only ones who suffer this disorder.
And yes there will be, some days a diamond, and some days a stone.
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